Sunday, March 13, 2016

Striking Out

Once again like back in 2007 I'm striking out on my own if you will.
What that means is once I return to NC for a bit I'm going back out on the road once again and this time I'm leaving knowing I have no family I can turn to. It's always been that way but this time it's more prominent. I'm leaving knowing I have no friends either. I'll have no one I can turn to really. The one friendship that I was holding on to I feel like is going to have to come to an end. He's going on with his life and I'm going on with mine. What I have of it. I travel all the time because I have no home to go to. Nowhere I can call my own. Not now. I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. Fade away into the background, into this life I've called my own for almost nine years.
I've lost everyone around me. My parents are gone. I have no siblings and no one else in my family I'm close to. If I called and said I was living on the streets and could they please offer a little assistance, even support, someone to talk to if only to offer advice they would say no.

My closest companion is a car, a couple of stuffed animals in my car, my camera and my computer and mindless TV I can absorb myself into. It's the one thing I have to look forward to. That and finding someplace new to explore. If I didn't keep visiting haunted and abandoned places at the forefront of my mind I'd probably slip into a depression I wouldn't be able to get out of.
My best friend is me. I'm who I turn to when I have a problem. I'm who I talk to when I need a friend. My things are an extension of me acting as a caveat between me and what should be another person. It's the life I've grown so accustomed to that I'm not sure I would know how to live any other way. Loneliness is an ugly demon. It's one that can't be shaken. It will tear you apart, leads to depression and health problems. There is no way to escape it. That's probably why I spend so much time exploring and taking pictures and watching TV. It helps ease the discomfort.
My friend says I need to find a spot of my own. That's a nice thought but right now I have no idea how to accomplish that daunting task. I don't have the money right now to even consider a place. And there's no way I could keep up a place to live and pursue my love of photography. It's what keeps me going. It's what makes me want to wake up in the morning. The never ending task of finding whatever it is out there that I've been searching for for the last nine years. And I don't even know what I'm searching for. I have no idea where to look for what it is I should have. I don't know what I should have. I know I like visiting haunted, abandoned places and cemeteries. But what is it I'm searching for. I have no answer. Is there some answer that has yet to become clear to me in the cemeteries filled with dead people? Does that cemetery hold the bones of ancestors, family members I know nothing about? Is the person that was intended to be my soulmate but died before we could meet, buried there? And how would I know? Does one of them hold the secrets to a past life? If so, how many past lives have I had? Were they all this chaotic, dysfunctional and messed up? Or is this turbulence the result of not enough turmoil in a past life?
As a creationist it's hard to believe there are past lives but on the other hand it's hard to believe in them when you're faced with as much disarray as I have. And failure seems to follow no matter what I do.
When I left before I didn't want to accept the instability of living in a car and having to move around constantly. It depressed me but I finally realized there was only one thing I could do and that was to embrace the inconsistency and anxiety of the situation. This isn't saying it makes it any easier but what else can I do? I can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away. No person can help me and it seems God is unwilling. There are no answers, only questions that remain to be resolved.

As for soulmates, that's really a laugh. There was a time that it wasn't but now it's just laughable. Do people really think such a person exists? Some people call them twin flames. Another figment of most people's imagination. It is the equivalent of "love at first sight" which we all know doesn't exist. Some people swear on it. All they are swearing on is out of control hormones. Much like the animal kingdom. Which for the most part we haven't evolved much higher than the animals we are supposed to protect instead relying on our basic need to kill.
And we, the creatures that aren't much higher up the intelligence chain than a chimpanzee, are supposed to believe in such nonsense as soulmates and love at first sight. In reality we are no different than an animal. We fall back on our driving nature to mate. And that mating need usually results in alot of stupid mistakes. Except we haven't figured out how to get ourselves out of the quagmire we create like the animals manage to do. Except they fight to the death when something stands in their way. We aren't allowed to do that. Laws were created because we are unable to police and control ourselves.

But none of this has anything to do with my predicament. I'm still in an unstable situation and don't know how to get out of it. I'm still searching for answers in places that don't have any but they must the hold the answer to something. Or I'm simply distracting myself until death claims me and hopefully I'll get the answers to all the questions I have.

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1 comment:

  1. Hello again, I once again felt compelled to read this post. From one soul to another, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I feel that way a lot of the time myself. I battle depression everyday. There is someone out there that is listening.....I, too, have lived out of my car from time to time.